Oh, Oprah

Well, I finally did it:  I made a vision board.  I sort of throw up in my mouth a little just thinking those words, let alone uttering them out loud.  It's something I guess Oprah dreamed up--of course--where you literally put your visions/dreams on a piece of paper.  The visual of having them written down is supposed to be encouragement for you to reach them.  My husband just told me his friend made a vision board and one of her visions was to be on Saturday Night Live and, well, the woman's on Saturday Night Live now.  So here's me slowly becoming a believer.  I'm a realistic person, so I know it takes more than doodling dreams on a piece of paper to bring them to fruition, which is why I'm here writing tonight.  My vision board consists mostly of writing a second book and finding a publisher for my second book as well as landing a full-time professor position.  Our baby #2 is due in a month, so writing and really everything has been put on hold.  Once he's here and I don't feel like every step I take is a horrific effort, then I know I can start tackling my goals again.  For me, being pregnant is much more draining and difficult than actually having a baby.  I can survive just fine waking up every few hours to feed a newborn.  I can't, however, survive easily when I feel like a bloated whale and walking up the stairs even feels like torture. 
Back to my point...I need to get published in small literary journals and magazines.  I put a goal of being published 7 times by next year on my vision board just to make it a definite goal.  If I can just do that, then it will make me a more credible writer, which will be attractive to potential agents, which will also be attractive to potential employers at universities.  I just need to get it through my thick head that I need to get that ball rolling or else this boulder of a writing career will continue to go nowhere.
But for now I have a fetus in my belly that's nearly sitting on my lap at this point and it's hard to think past anything beyond that.  Once he's out of the gate, I'm off and running.

Goal Trail

Lately I've been trying to really slow down and think about what I have to do to reach some goals I have...and it's not a pretty thing.  My brain starts convulsing and my heart races because I feel like it's too much to tackle and it feels impossible.  Maybe that's because I'm looking at the big end picture rather than asking myself what I can do each day to take a step to that goal.  So usually what happens is that I think of the goal, get intimidated by it and then fart around on Facebook or watch a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond---anything to settle down from the anxiety of thinking of my goals. 
It doesn't help that when I sit down to think of my goals, they're just all over the place.  They're personal and professional and financial.  The personal is easy--we wanted to have another child and he'll be here in January, so I'm grateful for that!  BUT because of that, the professional and financial are riding in the backseat getting totally neglected.
I keep reminding myself that I need to submit articles and essays to magazines, etc. each week so I can say I'm at least trying to get published.  The part that throws me for a loop is that I'm usually ridiculously motivated to get things done, but I can't find the energy to do that.
I'm  a part-time English professor now at a community college, but one day I'd like to be a tenured professor at a university, but to do that I need to get in the loop of that world somehow.  I need to find out if getting my PhD is even an option and maybe I'd even hate that university world b/c it's demanding and then I wouldn't see my kids....who knows.
How annoying is my brain?!
Taking the time to write in this blog this morning is my reality check.  I'm hoping it will make me carve out 10 minutes a day devoted to me.  And when I say "devoted to me" it can no longer mean farting away time on things that will not bring me one step closer to what I want out of life.  It has to be time spent writing.
The truth is, there isn't enough time, but I can make it a priority and bump something else out of the day.
I'll keep you posted on my progress...

Essay Fiesta!

I'll be reading at the Book Cellar in Lincoln Square on Monday, Sept. 20 at 7:00 pm.  It's a fabulous night of local authors reading their stuff.  I'm not sure if I'm going to read something from my book or something new I'm working on.  Hope you can make it!

Working Towards My Second Book

Thanks to my BFF Erica Reid Gerdes, I've been writing more than ever with the goal of having my next book done by Christmas.  She said I could email her stories as I finish them just to have the pressure of a deadline lurking in the background to get me going.  Otherwise, I find a million other things to do instead of writing.  I'm nearly done with the first story for my next book.  It's all about how I absolutely did not fit in at Corporate America and how getting sick and being forced to take time off made me realize it was time to switch gears before I really regretted not getting out.
Fall semester starts next Monday, so I'll be extra busy yet again, but I can do it.  I got my last book done while I was pregnant, so maybe I'll have that same rush of energy to get this one done before noodle #2 gets here in January.  When the next baby comes, I think it'll really hit me just how little time I'll have.  It'll be worth it and it's all about being a "reed in the wind" as I read in a Buddhist book (I think).  Go with the flow and don't fight change and bumps in the road.  Bring it on!

A Little Question for You

There was a firefighter in Chicago who was killed earlier in this week while doing his job. He was an extremely well-liked man, and everyone who described him said he was friendly, always had a smile on his face and willing to help others. Hundreds of people came out to his funeral to show their support.
Maybe it's a morbid way to look at life, but when I feel like I'm sort of just going through the motions in life, I ask myself, "What would your funeral look like? Would you have hundreds of people who would say you were undoubtedly friendly and funny and kind?" It's hard for me to get on board with the whole "live each day as if it were your last" because that makes my mind spiral into negative thoughts of, "Oh my gosh, I hope today's not my last day!" and then the majority of my day is wasted on thinking about how sad it would be if today really were my last. With that being said, I do believe it's important to have a reality check once in a while and ask yourself what your funeral will look like and think about what will be said about you. What mark will you have made on peoples' lives? Will you have touched anyone or played it safe and not risked loving anyone or opened up enough to share who you are?
Like I said, it's morbid, but why not think about these things while we're alive instead of when it's too late? Each day is a gift, whether you believe in God or not, it's a gift all the same, and it's one we all take for granted.
I almost never watch TV, so maybe this proves the point that I should continue to not watch TV, especially the news. But I guess it's good to be aware of tragedy and pain, so we can internalize it and grow from it.
Just something to put in your back pocket. If you ask yourself what your funeral will look like, if you can be honest enough with yourself, you will definitely make some sort of changes in your life eventually. The one change I've been working on is staying in contact with people instead of always just emailing. I always find that I'm too busy to pick up the phone, but that's just poor prioritizing on my part. As I lay here in bed, a basket full of clean clothes sits next to me for the third night in a row and it's not driving me crazy like it once would have. I don't want people at my funeral to say, "Oh, she was a neat, tidy gal who did a bang-up job with laundry!"

The Return of Cece Lou!

Cece Lou (daughter) is back from visiting her grandparents for 6 days. It was nice to have a break, but I've come to realize that now that I have her being such a huge part of my day and routine, there's no turning back. I had so much free time on my hands when she was gone that I seriously started to feel sad, so instead of using my time wisely to get a lot of writing and work done, I ended up sleeping or watching movies. It was nice to have time for those things too, but that's not what makes me feel good and energized. Sitting around is pretty boring to me most of the time. I feel my best when my day is packed with a routine of go-go-go, so when I go to bed I'm exhausted from work instead of being exhausted from doing nothing. So as much as I feel run-down each day and I struggle to find time for me, it's crazy, but it's actually what works best for me. Sure, I enjoyed going to a coffee shop and writing, but I just don't need it anymore. I can find pockets of serenity right here amidst dirty diapers and meltdowns. Maybe it has something to do with feeling needed by a child and the satisfaction of seeing your hard work pay off as she grows. Maybe I missed that when she was gone. Who knows. All I know is I'm glad she's back home and I'm forced to once again use my time wisely instead of crapping it away by napping and watching Judge Mathis.
I think I'm 18 weeks pregnant today (I'm so bad at keeping track!) and I'm feeling worlds better than I have in a long time! Cece's sleeping now, and normally I would be curled up in a fetal position sleeping, but I finally have enough energy to work through her naps and get stuff done.

Prairie House in a Condo in Chicago

Well, here I go again, starting a blog and never finding time to write in it. I'm 4 months pregnant, so the last 3 months have sort of been a haze of not being able to stay awake past 8:30 at night and constantly eating. I'm feeling better now and my summer semester of teaching has ended, so I'm sitting here breathing a sigh of relief. A feeling of my old self is sneaking around the bend once again, thank God.
So I was at the library the other day and saw a DVD called Prairie House. It was a series PBS put out years ago and it has my wheels turning in a really good way. They took 3 families and put them in the middle of nowhere in Montana for 5 months to make them live as though they were in 1883. I've always put high importance on nature and making sure I cut out too many distractions like cable TV and electronics we don't need, and this DVD (how ironic that watching TV made me remember how much I don't want TV to be a part of my life) really brought that point home.
These were modern-day people who were caught up in the fast pace of everyday life and at first they were totally shocked at how different and horrible this new world was they were thrown into. By a few weeks, they were changing into hard working, peaceful, happy people. All of them kept saying how good it felt to see the fruits of your labor and to spend time with family instead of rushing off to this and that and working at an office 60 hours a week.
There's just so much I could say about that show, but the big recurring lesson was that nature brings people together. It makes us stop and realize the enormity of this amazing planet and just how little we and our everyday materialistic worries are. Of course, we have to be realistic and work in an office or wherever to provide for our families, but we have to also make sure we don't come home and zone out in front of the TV for relief. We need to get outside, feel the wind on our face and look at all the details around us. It sounds so hippie drippy of me, but I've always felt this way. There are too many choices and distractions in this world that sometimes it's nice to just park yourself under a tree, unplug and realize how amazing this all is.

The Six-Dollar Mistake

Really? Really? That's all I can say about the person who snuck into my car and stole my diaper bag yesterday. I had Cece and our dog in the car and she had fallen asleep, so I decided I wouldn't be able to lug the bag, her and the dog. So I parked the car and left it unlocked as I often do when I know I'll be right back down and it's the middle of the day. I take Cece and the dog upstairs, but I walked slowly because Cece's getting to be so heavy now, and add being pulled by an 80-pound dog to that, and I was turtle-pace. So I'm assuming someone watched me and then when I was finally far from the car, they moved in. I'm sure they were thrilled to see that I had left the bag on the front seat and that I had left the car unlocked. I'm guessing what they weren't thrilled about was that although, yes, the diaper bag did have my wallet in it, the wallet contained $6.00. So, to you, Mr. Criminal who gets off on robbing a mother, enjoy your $6.00 and thank you for not hurting me or my precious family.

Ah, yes, today I wrapped up my grading, and it's officially the summer now. I really was hoping to do some freelance work this summer, but nothing has popped up, so we'll have to deal with it. I took advantage of a rare opportunity to get out of the house Monday night while Trey was home with Cece, and I got to go hear some great essays at Essay Fiesta in Chicago. I read at last month's gathering, but this time I got to just sit back with a cup of hot chocolate and listen. It was so great to hear these personal snippets of writers' lives and insights. I was actually even crying my eyes out as I drove home because one writer's essay affected me so strongly. I'd try to explain what she wrote about, but it wouldn't be as amazing as it was coming from her. It's just nice to hear what other writers are doing because it inevitably gives me ideas for my own writing and encourages me to keep at it as I sit home for the next 3 months not earning a dime and eating bread and water. I'm seriously not complaining. I wouldn't go back to corporate America for all the money in the world. Putting me in a cubicle is like putting Elton John on a football team. It's just not right.

Mortgages and Meatloafs

It will be a long, long time before we ever buy a home again, especially in Chicago where the taxes alone set you back about $4,000 a year. If I could turn back the clocks, we would've never bought a condo, but people kept saying renting is the equivalent to throwing your money away. I'd much rather throw my money away if it's a smaller amount and there's virtually no responsibility or risk attached to it. We eventually want to move to Kentucky or somewhere more laid back and nature-filled than Chicago, but darnit, Chicago's pretty awesome and the thought of leaving it is not easy. I guess it's expensive to live here because they know people will pay it. There aren't many cities in the world where we can walk to the beach, pick up homemade tamales on the way home at the corner store and then go to the zoo downtown. But the price is enough headache to make me want out of here, especially since I know I'll never make a lot of money unless Obama decides teachers should get raises across the board. Boo hoo, poor me, I have a job I love.
Speaking of my job, the spring semester is over, so the summer is all mine! This doesn't help our money situation, but it at least affords me the time to work on my second book, "I'd Like to Thank My Colon." I will be done with it by the end of August. It's so daunting because now that I'll actually have time to dig into it, I'm getting cold feet. It's almost more convenient to not have time, so I can fall back on that comfy excuse.
I made meatloaf tonight, and anytime I think about it, I get sick. I was a vegetarian for about 11 years and I've never liked meat, but I try to eat it because it's cheap and easy, but I think I need to stick to my bean and tofu-filled recipes from my old life. I just hate the taste of meat unless it's a Culver butter burger or bacon or pepperoni pizza! Okay, it turns out I like meat that's really disgusting and so processed that it's really not even meat, but pretty much just a clogged artery on a plate. Yuuummmmmy!
This is a random blog post, but my summer of writing began today, so I'm digging in full-force. I also want to read more, and right now I'm reading a book of essays by Stuart Dybek. His name is familiar to me, and I have no idea why.
Can't stop thinking of the nasty meatloaf and the layer of fat that bubbled to the bottom of the pan....
Good night.

To-Do Lists and To-Don't Lists

So this should be pretty easy--I put a sign up next to my bed of daily tasks. There are only 3 things on it: Exercise for 15 minutes, write for 15 minutes, and read for 15 minutes. You'd be amazed at how hard it is to squeeze those 3 things in. The exercise is easy since I have a 30-pound daughter and live on the second floor and have a dog. The reading, I've decided, I will get done at night when my daughter is in her crib fussing. We have a tiny apartment, so if she hears the floorboords creak once, she'll call for us. So this is a good excuse for me to stay put for 15 minutes while she settles down. The problem is, tonight I fell asleep by minute 13. Why can't reading be more energizing like a cold shower or sleigh ride? Instead, it's incredibly relaxing and you always want to put your feet up and drink wine while you're doing it. I just nodded off, and then sat up straight again and finished my two remaining minutes, then came out to the living room to do a homemade workout of lunges meet kick boxing meet yoga meet who-knows what crazy moves I was making up to imitate exercise. Then I sat down to get some work done for the class I teach tomorrow, and I instinctively turned on the TV. I was creating a grammar quiz when I realized how distracting the loud commercials were being. I turned off the TV and have been sitting in silence ever since. This is not a rare thing for me. I like to end my nights in silence, but I thought it was a thought worth passing along to you. Think about how much TV sucks from your life. We instinctively turn it on for background noise, but silence is such a sweet, soft blanket instead of a Viagra commercial spewing off side-effects of a 4-hour-long boner. I'm just sayin'.

Fresh Start!

So upon looking at a spreadsheet I made to track our monthly spending, I realized we can save $13 a month if I canceled my homemade website. I've had that website since 2006, and to be honest, it was a selfish thing to have. Sure, maybe about 10 people have stumbled across it over the years and bought my book as a result, but really, it was a stagnant piece of nothing that was an excuse for me not to market my book. Since I had the website, I felt that was enough marketing, when in reality, it was next to doing nothing. This blog is a fresh start--an active way for me to get my first book out there even more and a way to find a publisher for my second book.

I have one more week left of the semester, so I have the whole summer to finish up (well, really, START) writing my book. I have a lot of written in my head. I just need more than a half hour here and there to get it on paper, and I'm so excited to dig in!

Today is Mother's Day, and Trey got me the best gift ever--take a look at the photo. My nickname is Birdie and I love coffee. Perfect. The other part of my gift that is still happening is that Cecelia has been napping for almost 3 hours, so I got to drink coffee in bed from my bird cup and read "Of Mice and Men." It, officially, has been a great day.