Questions, questions, questions...

Trey's cousin passed away from cancer last week.  At his funeral, his brother addressed the crowd with, "What do you want to do with your life?"  He went on to say that he and his brother would often ask each other this question and then proceed to talk about ambitions and dreams they had.  He asked us, in memory of his brother, to keep that question in the forefonts of our minds.  I'm always thinking of the answer to that question, but lately I've been trying to reconcile that question along with, "What do you HAVE TO do with your life?"  I guess everyone in the world struggles with that difference.
We moved to Ohio because what we wanted out of our lives was to exit the rat race the city seemed to engulf us in and instead find ourselves in a slower, simpler world.  Now that we're here and loving it, we're now realizing there are still things we have to do.  I haven't worked full time in 2 years so I can be home more with our kids, but lately I've been reconsidering that and thinking maybe wanting to be home with them is selfish.  Maybe what's more responsible is working full time and bringing in more money to help us plan for the future.  Maybe I'm getting too caught up in the "What do you want to do" instead of the what I actually should be doing.  You never know how having kids will affect you, and the idea of not seeing my kids all day long for 5 days straight is enough to make me have chest pains.  That reaction is surprising to me because I've been a workhorse my whole life.
Then there's the whole mystery of death.  None of us knows how much time we have, so it makes it even more important to listen to what our guts are telling us.  There will always be some aspect of what we need to do, but it's important to try to put what we want to do first at least most of the time. 
What I want out of life is to keep teaching college-level English part-time and writing, giving me the freedom to watch my babies grow into kids, but maybe it's time I go back to work full time and see my babies when I get home and focus on the fact that they're going to be just fine with not seeing me so much.  In the end I need to focus on what THEY need out of life instead of what I want out of life.